holidays...

so the holidays are over.
well new years is coming still but thats more of a party than a holiday.
i really didnt know the intensity in which they would hurt.
not having nana was the toughest thing i have ever had to deal with personally.
it was such a wrong feeling.
like christmas couldnt be really happening b.c nana wasnt here yet.

when we started making the cookies at paula's i almost didnt get up to help b.c i did my shut off thing.
that thing i do when i am on overload and have no idea how to fix it.
so instead, i shut off and convince myself that if i don't participate in such and such thing, then it really can't be happening.
its a horrible thought process.
it hurts too.
but i finally got up and the cookies honestly were the best we've made in a long while.
dad was having a hard time with it too. i could tell.
but he did an amazing job.
tested the dough consistency, thinned it just right, added just enough of everything.
i love him.

when we left paula's i cried almost the whole way home.
silently of course.
b.c im just like that.
it sucked.
everything just didnt feel right.
i was saying talking to god and i was mad.
i kept saying that i was done having to miss her.
i dont want to be sad anymore.
i just want to be done.
i dont want it to hurt so badly.
i dont want to do it anymore.
when we got home i was fine, but then i took a shower and lost it again.
i listened to this song by Disciple called Things Left Unsaid.
and it was every thought, emotion and feeling of the whole situation:

It's just a matter of time a few days ago
I saw you, you were fine
Remembering what you said
About the book you read
The one I got you
The Beginning of the End
Oh how we'd talk
For hours upon end
What I would give
Just to do it again
But you're lying there
In this hospital bed
Won't you open your eyes
And let's talk once again

(CHORUS)
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never told you
When we were face to face

Well I've been here all night
And I'm watching you
Breathe in and breathe out
Is it really you
Or just a machine
That's giving you life
And it's making it seem
That there could be hope
I could say to your face
If it weren't for you
That there would be no grace
That's covered my life
You took the time
To speak into my mind
And my heart
Words of life

(CHORUS)

So goodbye for now
And I'll see you again
Some way, somehow
When it's my time to go
to the other side
I'll hold you again
And melt at your smile
Now all I have
Are the ones that I'm with
And you taught me not
To take for granted
The time that we have
To show that we care
Speak into their minds
And their hearts
While they're here
And say I love you

(Chorus)

the beginning of it was crazy.
i talked to her on the phone of friday.
she called me back after hanging up of course.
i hope i told her i loved her.

then (this sucked) on christmas morning, after gifts, my mom gave me a christmas card they found in all her stuff.
NOT what i needed to see. it was already tough enough not getting her phone call at 9:00.
i said i do not want to look at that right now.
and she got bugged.
then i snapped at her later b.c she didnt know how to take the charger out of my computer.
which really made her mad.
then we argued.
for a while.
then i laid on the couch and cried silently.
it just sucked.
sucked hard.
and im way glad its over.

i wish she didnt die.
i wish she just had a close call.
so that that way i would be able to cherish her calls more.
i hate myself for not cherishing her more.
asking her more questions.
and calling her more often.
it always made her so happy when i called her instead of her calling me.
she was so wise.
so knew what to say to everything.
i miss her smell.
i miss her hands.
i miss her salami sandwiches.
mine or anyone else's ever taste right.
i miss her voice.
her phone is finally turned off so i cant even call it to hear it any more.
i miss her shortness b.c it was the only thing that made me feel tall.
i miss her telling me how proud she was of me.
i miss her nagging phone calls.
my phone is so quiet now.
i miss the way she would hold her coffee and sit on the couch with her legs crossed.
i miss the way she called christina christine, the way she called jacob your man friend.
i miss her laugh.
i just wanna be little again and have her hold me in her spot on the couch and warm me some milk b.c i couldnt sleep.
i wanna have her call santa for me b.c she was his favorite elf.
she really did call him for me when i was little.
i wanna hug her.
i dont want her to be gone anymore.
im done with her being gone.
im done with crying every time i think of her.
im done.

and im glad the holidays are done.
maybe i dont have to think about it for a while.
psh.
that impossible.
i havnt gone a day since september 15th without thinking about her.
i see the hospital bed constantly.
its terrible.

im going to sleep now.