thee day : )

i really do love my birthday. i love when people tell me happy birthday when i don't ask them to. i love it. its such a good feeling to be told happy birthday when you don't say its my birthday b.c then its not an automated response: "happy birthday." i love the happy birthdays based on remembering; even if you remembered b.c facebook told you. its good to know you are thought of. mm, cool thought: i bet that's how god wants us to come to him. he doesn't go around our lives saying "remember me! look at me! talk to me!" he waits, loving us no less; speaking to us softly. it is true love when i go to him because i know he is there and i genuinely want to be with him. not because he is forcing me to see him. there are so many ways life points to god and i love when he relates the smallest things like this to his graceful love.

on another note this birthday is going much better than the last one. last year, my heart was full of dreadful sadness. i missed nana more than even tears could express. i came to work and i was bitter and pissed. i sat in dad's office and sobbed off and on till lunch. thankfully daddy took me to disneyland and we had a great day together : ) then we went home and my parents gave me my 19th angel instead of nana so that was tough as hell all over again. i can honestly say that i am so excited to get my 20th angel tonight. i am so grateful that nana stubbornly searched out all 21 of my angels for me. i could NOT imagine how awful it would be not to have the full set because she is no longer here to buy them for me. her and all her glorious italian stubborn headstrong witty joyful self searched for those angels harder than anything else because she knew how important they were to me. i can't tell you how many times we had this exact conversation:

"now sara, remember that if i don't make it to your 21st to give you all your angels that the rest of them are in a brown bag in my closet on the top shelf." ok nana, thank you, you don't need to tell me that. you'll be here for all of them ok? "well, just in case. i have them all ready for you." thank you nana. i love you. "mmm, i am so proud of you." thank you nana. "i really am. i love you so much." i love you too nana. "so do you have any man friends you are interested in yet?" no nana. still no boys. "well, soon enough. you are a very beautiful girl." yes nana. thank you. "well i'll let you go sara." ok nana, i love you. talk to you soon. "love you too, bye." bye nana. "bye".

that woman always had to squeeze in the last goodbye. i'm pretty sure that i never said the last word. she liked to have the last goodbye each and every time. oh my nana. i love you so much. i can't wait to hear your voice in heaven one day. thank you for everything you did for me. i'm sorry i didnt voice my appreciation as much, but i did appreciate you more than anything. you taught me to personally care for each and every person in my life. to get deeper than hello and goodbye. to be joyful and perservere even when your car, dog, cousin and son died in less than two years of each other. to be alive with a purpose. thank you nana. i love you and i always will.