today should be a day for celebration of life simply because i am not dead. being alive another day should mean that there is another day, another 24 hours to use his name. being alive another day should mean that there is more strength in me than the day before. being alive another day should mean that i know god's blessings even more. today, being alive another day doesn't mean any of these things. being alive means a stressful day of work. it means another day spent in the confines of a dark office. it means another wasted day of silence. it means another day to complain. it means another day to mope. days like these, i feel like when i do speak, my words are all fake. like i just want to scream instead of say hello. to cry instead of say i miss you. to blankly stare instead of think. i don't know why today feels like this. yeah my birthday is tomorrow and it will be sans-Nana. but that emotion does not go as deep as this one feels it does. i feel like my soul is... being drained. maybe the soul in me is just being dispersed throughout my body instead of remaining in my heart. maybe i just can't see where things are at so i feel lost. maybe i just don't get it. maybe my faith is not where i thought it was. i feel too christian today and not in the sense of the word meaning Follower of Christ. more like too old news. too who cares. too nominal. too commonplace.
-This Twenty Something-
the eyes of a twenty something have been blinded.
from being in this life.
this life that is morally correct, comforting, proper, religious.
her vision, ruined by images she chose to place before her precious eyes.
time. and. time. again.
the ears of a twenty something have been deafened.
from being in this life.
this life that whispers sweet nothings.
piercing the very core of her heart.
without ever feeling. a single. prick.
the heart she's been given has been slaughtered.
passion that is meant to pulse through her veins.
has long been gone.
passion has found its way out.
leaked on the paths oft'ravled. trampled and forgotten.
"where does your help come from?"
sure as hell hasn't come from him.
lately, it has only come from herself; a twenty something girl.
who feels it her right to take away power from he.
he who spoke life into existence.
and he saw that it was good.
and he let it be.
can said eyes, said ears, said heart be restored?
trudging forward on, exclaiming her successes.
although a cowardly race, there be much less immediate pain need felt.
chasing down her own broken path of dreams.
how tempting. how satisfying. how exciting.
"How Temporary"
dammit! why does the voice of the ONE seep in and remind this girl of his presence?
why can't heart, ears and eyes be in the grave and ignore him for once?
other's have trials and mess-ups.
other's learn from their mistakes.
this twenty something don't have mistakes.
just spelling mistakes.
some grammar too.
oh yes, she's let him down.
she's poisoned her eyes.
poisoned her ears.
oh yes, she's poisoned her heart.
for years. years.
his visions, whispers, passions.
all blocked from pulsing through her.
this twenty something built her tall tall tower long ago.
swore she'd never allow an intruder.
well that tall tall tower of this twenty something has no entrance anymore.
that tall tall tower is now a pile of brokenness.
broken eyes.
broken ears.
a broken heart.
lying there bleeding atop that tall tall towers rubble.
there, this twenty something found her god; again.
she found him after years. years. of him calling her name.
beloved.
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