god is not an upper

i have been using god as my drug of choice. he has become my upper and i have become addicted to it. i have deceptively devolved god into something that fits into my measly life. i have pretended to be in love with god. don't get me wrong, he still has been working in my life because no matter who i create god to be, he is still bigger and he still works because he is I AM. also, there is no way that i would have realized this addiction to myself without god's constant prodding and telling of his love for me. but that is not sufficient. using god to make me feel better, more comfortable or at ease is just like using uppers. you become addicted to something that is destructive; lying to the doctor to get you what you need then abusing it to satiate yourself. and simply throwing away the bottle doesn't make everything instantly better. there is a process of allowing yourself to be loved and to consciously make efforts towards the release of the addiction. that is the road i am on now. i am admitting that i was addicted to god; the god in myself, my kingdom. sunday i am going to be baptized. god's timing is infinitely perfect. i had no idea of any of this battle in my soul until last tuesday. the following wednesday the opportunity to be baptized with my 2 best friends arose. tomorrow i am going to go under knowing i was addicted to myself and i am going to arise knowing that i will fight the fight through valleys and mountaintops. my kingdom has crumbled and it is now the time for god's kingdom to take charge in my life.