my first day of 15th grade:

15th grade. that'd weird. i am a junior in college. actually, i'm a 3rd year if i want to speak college lingo. my lovely emmar dropped me off right in front of my building so that rocked. i am, for the 1st time, sweat free and ready for class! not only did i get dropped off (which rocked and felt very much like school is supposed to feel) but i attempted surfing for the first time today. of course, my weak little self had a tough time paddling and remaining on the board but in time i think i'll get it. there were dolphins too : ) a few waves ate me but i managed to ride one and a half waves. i want to know what it's like to suck at something and work hard at it to be good. i don't usually do that. if i'm not good at it immediately, i'd rather drop it and do something i am good at. i'm sick of that part of me. i want to be dedicated and succeed. specially in something as legit as surfing. so anyways, emma and i shared jenny's board so i got out after about 45 minutes and let her ride some waves. during that time i read psalms 1-4:

⁹ You will rule them with an iron scepter;
you will dash them to pieces like pottery."

¹⁰ Therefore, you kings, be wise;
be warned, you rulers of the earth.

¹¹ Serve the LORD with fear
and rejoice with trembling.

¹² Kiss the Son, lest he be angry
and you be destroyed in your way,
for his wrath can flare up in a moment.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him.

i don't have a choice anymore. my initial choice was to choose to love him and have him in my life. i chose that my whole life. after that, it's all facts: either i do what he has graciously given me to do and be blessed or i do what i want to do and be broken apart like pieces of pottery. he boldly states that he will rule with an iron scepter and yet i STILL do my own thing. i never got how much the kingdom metaphor relates to life until today when i realized that i am the king in my castle. i refuse to let another king rule. i refuse to let my guards down. i refuse to. well damnit, i am done refusing. god has taken me on numerous trials over the years. trials that have shown me what needs to be dealt with. so, i have shod my clothing of vanity. my crown of pride i have tossed aside. the scepter which i've ruled with stubbornness is shattered. the final piece to be broken is to step down from the throne. ugh i don't want to do that but i am. one foot at a time : )