after you:

ok so its october 21st.
how the HECK did it get here?
recap:
lovely lovely eleanor has been in full swing for 4 months already/only.
god has demolished my kingdom and took me through the rubble to show me all the places he was not apart of before.
by doing that he purged my heart of blackness and now is cultivating life from it.
whew!
if anyone has kept up with all of my crazy blogs over the last few months they'd know how much of an effing nut-case i've been.
yet, looking at it all now, i would choose to be a nut-case that is in constant discussion with god,
than to be a seemingly happy person who keeps god clean and harm-free in their pocket.

so now, now i have a huge prayer that is needing to be prayed over.
i was contemplating not telling anyone and just secretly pursuing this prayer.
that way if it didn't work nobody would know.
and if it did then great, we'd celebrate.
then i said psh to the secret idea and chose to use the community god has built up around me.
so here goes:

i am feeling like god is directing me to move to portland to go to warner pacific university and study urban ministries.
hmmm...
honestly?
i have NO idea if this is something that I am orchestrating or if it is something my God is doing.
my main confusion is that i thought i felt god in my other major changes.
but i still kept changing my major!
and the only thing that those major changes entailed was to hand over a piece of paper to the new department and voíle;
new major.
this major change would move me to another state...
hence the wanting of prayer.

i do know this:
1. the time i've spent in long beach has not been without purpose.
god has kept me here because i needed to learn that since i chose god to be my life, i am required to love him at all times,
at all costs.
the idea of loving him only when i want to, only when life is good
DOES
NOT
WORK
and it has taken 2+ years for that to get through my thick skull.
and. that. is. okay.
not everything is meant to respond in a second like i want it to.
2. that there is a peace in the pathless woods and this forest is very pathless.
this forest leads to a city i've never been to.
to people i've never laid eyes on.
a life i have no visual background to give existence to.
maybe its not where i'm led to go.
i have to find out.

god, my god! this song is a prayer that will never run dry:

Let the songs I sing 
Bring joy to you 
Let the words I say profess my love 
Let the notes I choose 
Be your favorite tune 
Father let my heart be after you 
Father let my heart be after you.

i know this has been my prayer through everything because i would not be here if it weren't.
therefore i know my god knows my name.
and he says it with love
each
and
every time.