I DO NOT WANT TO SAY THIS:

this blog is me. i really do not want to tell anyone who i am but i am no longer defined by who i was.

i cant hide behind a postcard b.c if i did that, god's love wouldnt be seen alive and working directly through my life.

and i need to have god seen.

because he is all i am.
i am defined by one thing and one thing only: god's love.
lately, i have been praying to god to give me back my poems because i am yearning for an art to express my soul's thoughts and emotions.
today, i have been listening to god speak through Levi the Poet's spoken word poems which adhered directly to my heartstrings.
and this, this is what poured out.

my only prayer is that from this attempt at a poem, at least one someone can feel god's something in someway.

i still cannot believe i am putting myself out there.

but i will not

cannot

hide any longer:

My Racing Pulse:
its shocking i know
that pretty little pink bow
how could she know?
the show.
the show she'd find herself in
with numbing sin
that she dove straight in.
at first it was to be no more.
NO MORE! she'd say.
then she'd wake up to yet another day
sure that it'd be a different kind of day
...why'd it hafta end this way?
facing the screen...
needing to scream...
feeding that damn damn dream.
it took years for it to gain full speed
slowing around turns
raging forward during straights.
slowing around turns
raging forward during straights.
that writhing falsely needed need
constantly choking the seed
...it never did leave.
-silence-
that stupid little seed!
that dumb little mustard seed
it pissed me off for years
you know why?
i couldnt get it to go away
no matter how hard i tried
how loud i cried
how well i attempted to hide
that seed still stayed
JUST LEAVE
i'd tell it
LEAVE ME ALONE
LET ME BE
LEAVE ME TO MY COVETED SCREEN
i dont need you
-silence-
oh,
oh how i tricked that dumb little mustard seed.
i showed it who was the one without need.
i threw it into the closet
and sealed it up
i sealed that closet so well
i, the one who put it there in the first place, couldnt even find it for years
and i even placed a pretty white blonde hair blue eyed picture of jesus over it
SEE JESUS?
I DONT NEED YOU
oh was i wrong.
because you know what?
that seed kept growing
why?
well, you know who planted it?
my long lost lover.
[now, let me set one thing straight:
my long lost lover was not
long
or lost
due to his failures
no.
he was opposite of every misconstrued concept of love we've every creatively ruined]
no.
he stayed
i was the one who did the leaving!
i was just too lost in my grieving
to even pay attention to him whispering:
'beloved'
'beloved'
'beloved'
'beloved'
'beloved'
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?
i did away with you
i've been just fine pretending.
no.
NO!
get away from me
dont even touch me
...
i cant be touched.
i am tainted.
i...
i...
i cant be loved.
DONT YOU REMEMBER GOD?
I CHEATED ON YOU!
'i love you'
no!
you've got the wrong chick
i've gazed on too many images
just to satisfy my weakness
you can't be serious.
'i love you'
no.
no god. no.
i like my pretty white blonde hair blue eyed picture of jesus right where it is
so thank you, but no.
-silence-
god! if i get rid of it,
i'd show the world...
me.
i would be totally naked for everyone to gawk at.
i'd be open and vulnerable.
no. absolutely not.
i won't do it and you CANNOT make me.
'do it'
god please no. i can't.

'beloved, do it.'
my pulse is racing:
the thought of opening my mouth after
S
E
V
E
N
D
A
M
N
Y
E
A
R
S
of absolute silence?
that freaks the hell out of me god
can't you see?
dont you get it?
i CANT do it.
'do it'
-silence-
'beloved, i love you. now do it'

WORLD: HERE IS ME...
for seven damn years i pierced the heart of my god.
by...
no i cant god!
-silence-
being...
NO! please? no...
-silence-
addicted to...
porn.

i know for some thats nothing

for some thats normal

i'm not some.

-silence-
god? help me! i dont know what to do.
i said it like you told me to.
'beloved!'
really? that's all you have to say? "beloved..."
I NEED MORE GOD
i need you to be alive in my life
do you realize what i just did?!
i told everyone the ONE thing i SWORE i would never speak of to another soul.
and you didn't even do anything.
-silence-
god?

umm,

i just wanted to say that i'm sorry.

and...
and thank you for loving me.
i get it now.
i'm yours.
i'm sorry for caring so much about what people might think of me.

so this is what i have to say:
here i am world; gawk if you want!

but i want to let you know that i am warmed by a fire that is fueled by the fake picture of my pretty white blonde hair blue eyed picture of jesus that once hid my seed.
THAT DUMB LITTLE SEED THAT I HATED SO STRONGLY?
do you remember it?
well now it is a growing tree.
it's even beginning to bear fruit.
i dont know why god gave me this battle.
i dont know why god gives me anything.
i am undeserved of all of it:
every
last
thing
but i will soak up the love that drops from heaven
and until my last earthly breath,
my pulse will be racing.