heart:

half of my heart is...
undeniably inspired.
i am in joyful anticipation for the way my life is racing forward.
i am not stagnet.
and
i am not clear.
my path has been given light, but only as far as my next step.
and
i
am
joyful
in
that.
my next step for today is discipleship.
my next step for my future is portland.
usually i would be griping about this;
demanding that god would give me more.
saying things like:
this is not enough god.
you did not give me a detailed outline.
i specifically asked you to answer me in this way.
what in the WORLD was i thinking all of those years?
telling GOD that he didn't do it right.
he created me.
and i am in awe of my creator.

Lord, it was you who
Created the heavens
Lord, it was your hand
That put the stars in their place
Lord it is your voice
That commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves
BOW
AT
YOUR
FEET
Lord, who am I?
Compared to your glory?
Compared to your majesty?
I am your
BELOVED
Your creation
And you love me as I am
You have called me chosen
For your Kingdom
Unashamed to call me your own
I am your BELOVED
I AM your beloved.


the other half of my heart is...
hung up on my desire for a relationship.
too many cheerful holiday movies.
too many lovey dovey christmas songs.
too many.
i know with my soul that my lover is my jesus.
i know with my physical human heart and body that my lover is still... nonexistant.
one would think that it would get easier with time and more time and even more time.
that i would come to realize that jesus is the lover of my soul and i would be found full and not wanting.
sometimes i think that it'd be nice to just have a switch:
on and off.
and that i could keep it off until my man came around.
but then i decide,
and remain in this decision,
that that would be lame because then everything would be easy and no lessons would be learned.
so ok fine.
waiting is the preferred choice.

take heart, my friends.
for the Lord our God reigns.
he reigns with loyalty and justice.
rest in the peace that it brings.
a peace that is not to be confused with calm.
but instead,
peace that brings forth revitalization through love.

so all that to say:
my heart is not one mass lump of an organ.
it has components.
it has help from the blood vessels.
it has a sound that resonates through my chest cavity & into a friends ear when giving a good squeeze.
what i am trying to get at is this.
just because one half of my heart is focused on one thing
and the other half is focused on another
DOES NOT mean that it is working improperly.
i am still getting blood pumped.
i am still breathing air.
and it is all for my one true LOVE.

Psalms 4:4
Stand in awe, and sin not: look deep inside you. Be silent and be still.
Selah.