ch-ch-ch changes:

First I love peanut butter, then I change the layout I've had for 2 years on my blog.
I'm getting crazy!... Kidding.
I'm hyper so I'm sorry beforehand for this blog.
It's not meant to be silly.
It's actually on the serious side of things.
So here goes...

Lent was an interesting season for my heart to say the least.
I fasted from wearing makeup. (eating sweets too but I cheated so it didn't count.)
"No big deal," I thought. "I can be beautiful with or without makeup.  Psh, no prob."
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
It started out fine, freeing almost.  Then it progressively got worse and worse.
Last week, God unearthed some gnarly stuff.
I was angry and I had no idea why.
Everything physical was completely off:
hair? too short. body? too curvy. face? too plain.
This trap was very familiar to me.
Why?
Because for 9 years, Satan used this paralyzing lie against me: self-hatred.

I have NO idea how, but somehow while growing up, my self image and self worth was utterly demolished by this lie.  I wanted to have approval from everyone and to have control over everything.  This was especially evident concerning the matter of boys I liked.  Once I figured out that I had no control over who liked me or not, I decided that it would be easier to hide and secretly hate myself mentally instead of learning to be ok and wait for guys to pursue me.  So, as soon as I started to like a guy, I would instantly stop myself by reciting over and over my trusty list of reasons why there was no way in hell he could like me:

I am NOT pretty... NOT funny... NOT interesting... 
NOT worthy...NOT flirty... NOT  adventurous... NOT exciting... 

I don't look right, talk right, laugh right, walk right...

I'm too short, too strange, too fat, too awkward, too boring.

Let me tell you, over that 9 year span, I had perfected this list so much so that in my mind, I was absolutely certain that all these things were not only true but also exactly what every guy thought of me.  

By the grace of God, this sick cycle was broken this past Fall. 

God placed people in my life that saw me as He sees me. 

I didn't realize how chained I was for so many years.

How freeing it was, when I realized that for the first time in 9 years,
I wasn't feeding myself that old list. 

Yet, just because my cycle has been broken, it doesn't mean I am free from Satan. 

That was evidenced by this last week of Lent.  

Satan tried to reel me in...

Even though he had me pinned for 5 days, in the end, God won.

The result?
I am beautiful. 

My beauty is Light. 

God is good.
Amen.

Wow... 

Admitting that I hated myself is far from easy.

It's embarrassing and nerve-racking and places me in a vulnerable spot. 

But I chose to write about it because I know that this is a way Satan ruins many people.

If by placing myself in this spot of vulnerability can get one person out of that trap, then glory to God.  If not, then I have been set free; set free indeed.

Oh, How He Loves Us. Oh, How He Loves.