Ash-filled eyes:

This is a what I wrote in my journal last night during the 2nd music set during the night gathering at the Garden.  It's a mix between a picture I was seeing in my head & a conversation I was having with God.  It's raw at its highest form so hopefully it makes sense:

Dark windowed tall room.

Seemingly alone.
Throwing a tantrum.
An ancient fire engulfs my deep eyes.
Screaming insults to the air.
Yelling louder than the crashings.
He walks in.
Silently watches.
Movement catches my eye.
Seen.
I stare defiantly at the man.
I stare defiantly at the eyes.
He comes close.
I turn to run.
Knowing what is to come.
Hands on my arm.
Whip around.
Smack away.
Don't touch me!
Hands again.
Stronger than.
Pull me in.
Protecting me from myself.
Little One, be still.
NO!
I catch my voice.
Echoed back on the dark windowed tall room.
I hear my fury.
I sink into the sound.
Little One.
Eyes of fire turn to piles of ash.
Hands on my arm.
Heart on my ear.
From ash-filled eyes begins to flow blackened water.
Little one, look at me. 
No.
Little one. Look.
Why?!
Why not?
WHY NOT?!? I'll tell you why not!
If I were you, I wouldn't want to look at me.  
If I looked at me, I'd see an adulteress.  
A tainted tangled mess.  
No, I'll keep my eyes down.
Get off.  Let go.  
If you were me?  
Pulls my chin to his eyes.
Yanked away yet again.
Pursues softly harder.
I've never asked you to be me.  
Be like me. Follow me.
Don't be me. 
Eyes fixed downward.
But I could be you!  Why can't I be you?
Because you are already named.
... I don't understand.
Intrigue mixed with fear laced my muffled words.
I've never asked you to be someone else. 
I've always only asked you to be you.
From ash-filled eyes begins to flow greyed water.
How can I be me if I don't know who I am?!
I keep telling you that!  
Why aren't you listening.
Let me tell you what I say about you to my Father when He asks about you:
"Oh, Little One?  She's one of my favorites.  
She's free.  
She inspires.  
She is inspired.  
She's fierce.  
She's a dreamer.  
She seeks.  
She's inquisitive.  
She questions.  
She loves."
See?
You have been named well.
From ash-filled eyes begins to flow clearing water.
Little One?  Why would you ever want to be anyone else?
Because I never knew I was any of that.
From once ash-filled eyes begins to flow purified water.
Water to flood a river.
To carry me down.
Into a journey.
Wet.
Sometimes alone.
But never without.


This poem/conversation was spurred on by many things.  Right now in my life, I am learning how to do things on my own essentially.  Ever since I made the decision back in October of last year to take a leap and move to Portland in January for school, God has taken me into myself.  One thing led to another and Portland got pushed to fall meaning I was going to be taking a semester off of school.  For the first time since I was 5, I was not being formally taught.  I was not given a schedule.  I was not given things to accomplish.  January, February, March, April & May were the hardest 5 months of my entire life.  Everything changed.  I changed.  Relationships changed.  My old God changed.  I did things I never thought I'd do:  I fasted.  I interceded.  I led.  I confronted.  I loved myself.  I learned about the most important thing to learn about: myself.  Now, here am I, at the end of June, somehow alive still and no longer moving to Portland at all.  I have many broken bones, bruises, splinters, scrapes and gaping wounds to remind me that a) I'm human and b) I'm in an epic battle.  I know God is preparing me for some gnarly adventures of Kingdom proportion.  I forget so quickly that while he is preparing me, he is using me.  It's hard to remember where I've been when I'm not there anymore.  Oftentimes, while cleaning my battle wounds, I question how I got the huge gash!  The word frustrating doesn't even begin to give meaning to the season of intense learning in which I have been living in lately is like.
Satan is in full swing against me in my pursuit into God's heart.

He knows I am going to bring more Kingdom down.

He is threatened by the power and authority given to me through the Holy Spirit.

He keeps telling me lies.
I'm worthless.
I'm useless.
I'm purposeless.

It's hard to hear God through them saying, 

"Be holy, because I am holy." (Lev. 11:44,45; 19:2; 20:7)
I want to live my life in pursuit of what it means to be holy.
Holy: a person devoted to the set-apart and sacred service of the one true God.
I am living my life in pursuit of what it means to be holy.