Discontentment:

I have no idea where this overwhelming feeling of being discontent comes from.
When it hits me, I get this seemingly painful urge to go somewhere.
Somewhere that would engage me.
To feel the depth of smallness.
To reach the height of silence.
To dig into the grains of life.
What is it?
I know that wherever I end up, the desire to engage will not be satiated.
The same me that is here in Riverside will inevitably travel to the wherever, if I go.
Where I go, I end up.
Fact.
I'm confused.
I don't know anymore.
I don't think I ever knew, so that's good?
I know that at this moment, I am discontent, exhausted, confused and slightly numb to life.
Psalm 94:18-19
I keep repeating those verses.
And right now, I don't mean it when I say them.
But I long for my heart to meet my words.
One day, not yet.
One day.
Not yet.