cambiando aka changing

i decided today that i would be more consistent with my blog. i've neglected it terribly this whole year really. so here is my 2nd try at my blog : )
today, my brain has been reeling with singleness. the idea, the fear, the joy, the interdependency, the 'mlah' moments. i know that paul says more power to you if you can remain single because then god has your total attention. but man! i really don't think i can do this for my whole life. or even a significant part of my life. being single throughout high school was amazing and i honestly would not have wanted it any other way. coming up to college i said i loved being single but it was a total lie. i said that only to make me feel better about it. it was a cover up not a true fact. the past 2 years i've wrestled with god more than i ever have and i've come out bruised, broken and humbled. my heart is trying to submit to the idea that god might just not have a husband in store for me. my heart is trying to accept it. my heart is learning to be quiet and listen. its just that my brain, however, is not doing so well. the 'potty thoughts' come way too often and the longing for touch and spoken words of love instead of written scripture along with feelings of inadequacy creep in more than i'd like them to. mainly, the point is that i want to love god more than i love myself and if my heart and brain want something that god doesnt want me to want, then let it be. i must die to myself for him to take over in full. i'm working on it.