day 2:

Day two of our road trip and staring out onto the vast plains that are between New Mexico and Colorado puts a feeling inside that I don’t fully understand. The adventure of God seems to speak through the tremendous space in front of my eyes. The extremity of God seems to dance in the clouds above me. They really are bigger, puffier and whiter than in California. These clouds don’t have to mix with smog from the cars that we hide in. These plains don’t have anything special about them either. There are not mountains. Not trees. Not architectural structures. Simply a few bushes and shadows chasing the day away on the expanse of earth below. It’s not the color of the grass either – no deep green that’s lush and touchable. Its more of a dusty gold color; yet in the sunlight, it seems to dance. Combining the whole thing is very alluring. I could stare out at the shadows for days.

We met the infamous “Aunt Christine” that our mother always talks about but never actually to. She and her have been best friends since 6^th grade. Now, they are both 53. Their more than 40 years of a friendship confuses me really. They started life together as Christians, seeming very on fire for living life for and with God. Then, during the 70s, Christine joined a commune and mom got married the first time. I think that is where God and the relationship he promises became lost and illusive for them. Since then, Christine, thankfully realized the commune was a scary place to be but she has never returned to the heart of God. Although, unknowingly, she has kept searching for it. She’s turned to Buddhism, some Indian religion that has a confusing name and now she is a spiritualist. Not exactly sure what that entails but for now she seems content in it. Through her unknowing search, she has found herself in numerous countries, in countless adventures and in sparing but deep relationships.

I wholeheartedly can understand why her search has continued these past 30 some odd years. She knows there is a relationship that she was created for and you can sense it simply by speaking to her. She knows that there is not only what we see. It’s just, she’s lost the love along the way. So hearing God’s words of love again after all these years of running from them can’t be a particularly fun feeling. Being numb to his love is such an easier concept to justify in our miniscule human brains we hold so highly than accepting the fact that we were made to love his heart because love resides there. When we were created, that love was born inside of us. Life is a search for that love. I’ve graciously found it but there is nothing stopping me from transferring this love to something else that is more pleasing to me. I pray that is a path I never follow. I’ve seen where it leads people. My brothers are there. My sister is there. Danielle and Jessica are there. Personally, I never want to give up on my search for God’s love. There are many different places that my love manifests itself in:

A love for traveling.

A love for friends.

A love for adventure.

A love for children.

A love for community.

A love for art in every essence of the word.

A hopeful love for a man.

Those are my loves. Each a different place where God shows me his love at different times in my short little 20 years on earth. I don’t know if there are different places that God shows himself for different people. It seems that my loves are very biblically oriented. I don’t know if that is a correct statement. I do know that all Christine needs is her love back. The truest love that our hearts know is there but so often our brains choose to reject it. Nothing is supposed to be as perfect as that. As trustworthy. As forgiving. As humble. As selfless. Oh, but God, God is so good. Why else would he put all of this expanse? Just so we could say “mm, that’s nice.” I’m pretty sure he put it there so we could remember that he loves us. So that feeling I couldn’t figure out before? It’s love.

Because I want to know why I’m going

And I want to know why I’m doing

Because I want to see

Like I’ve never seen before

Because I want to know why I’m living

And I want to know why you’re breathing

Because I want to know why I wasted yesterday?

And I guess its because there was nothing else to wake me up

And I’d lie if I said that I was waiting for you

Because you’ve been here all along