catalyst that ignites souls:

i have no idea what to write about.
my heart and my head are full.
but they are finally full in a synchronized way.

STORY:
tuesday night lifegroups went great.
it was totally unpolished (which is our new favorite word along with raw and facilitator.)
shared stories like we were friends for years.
prayed for our new friend trevor through the phone for his "crippled" knee.
he was healed.
ate some cheesecake.
headed over to the place that pisses me off and yet blesses me so deep.
LoveHOP.
july 28th and every tuesday that followed except one,
i along with my friends have been going to be with god.
i have been on a crazy path with god since then:
i have hated him.
i have hated myself.
i have hated lovehop.
i have argued with god.
i have stopped talking to god.
i have wrestled him for my heart till it was nothing but a bloody, barely pumping object.
i have opened my soul to be immersed in god's love.
i have allowed god to infiltrate my desires, my sins, my life.
i have died and have found life.
and all in the span of 2 months.
2 months that took 4-5 years of growth to get to.

so, back to lovehop on tuesday the 22nd of september.
i was journaling because after lifegroups my thoughts suddenly went to 'why am i discontent?'
i wanted to understand why this thought STILL IS POPPING UP.

(very long story short, at the end of june, i emailed my old youth pastor trav because i had a huge discontent with where my life was AGAIN and i had no idea why. it seemed like the answer was stay where you are. i went with that. seemed right all summer. then the thought came back.)

as i was furiously scribbling my head onto the paper, my friend billy calmly asked me,
"what are you writing, sara?
i said i dont really know.
then 2 hours passed of a conversation that is impossible to forget.
god won't let me forget it.
and neither will billy.
i still dont know how to make earthly sense of what my passion is.
i still dont know what i am supposed to do.
i still dont know.
i do know that billy was a godsend.
i have been needing to be prodded and questioned.
he had no idea of that.
god did tho.
that's pretty legit evidence that god is alive.

they prayed over me.
i have gotten prayer directly over me 3 times now since lovehop started.
once: i was sobbing from pain and an unearthly scream.
twice: i was washed clean and renewed.
thrice(?): i was given a new path.
i heard,
"you're done"
as soon as the prayers started.
what would you think god means when he softly says this to you as tears are
strangely,
slowly,
steadily
falling down your face?
you're done as in stop college?
you're done as in my bones are dead and my soul is alive in him?
you're done as in find a new major?

right now i have no idea.
god is preparing that answer for december because that is the earthly time frame that makes any sense as of now.
but it'll probably change.
and i'm ok with that.
today i am god's.
period.

apparently i am unique.
apparently i am going to shake the grounds.
apparently i am going to have my life be changed.

bring it.
i have a community to fight with me now.
i have a desire to be a catalyst that ignites souls.
i have god.