part two of a day with many parts:

2. DISCONTENT & PISSED:

my friend billy from my previous blog sent me the following text message right as i got into the car to drive home yesterday so it gave me lots of thinking to do on my drive:

"this week i've had countless people asking about you and your story and our life group and church. i don't know what this week has looked like for you but i wanted to encourage you because gods already doing so much through you."

what the hell? my week was pretty dry & i didnt do anything differently.

i seemed to be a little different, i guess.

different than i had been but i knew that i've been here before.

i knew all too well what was coming;

my good friend, discontentment.

[discontentment: a restless longing for something better than the present situation.]

well no wonder i'm accustomed to this stupid word!

god constantly uses it so that we search after his heart.

yeah, its not fun.

its not rewarding in our definition of what a reward should be.

this is how much of my life goes:

me:

NOW.

THIS WAY.

THIS MUCH.

god:

no.

not yet.

that way.

that much.

fine.

if growing and learning what faith that can move mountains looks like requires this damn discontent thing then i guess i'll accept it.

man, i hate giving myself over all the time.

i wish it only took one try.

one, 'yes god. take my life and let it be, consecrated all to thee.'

i wish it was that easy.

but it isn't.

its hard.

its long.

its painful.

oh, but it is so beautiful.

it is so alive.

and FULL of trial and errors.

conflicts and resolutions

but it is so full of love.

and yet,

the entirety of that love, which is our chosen reward

(we chose it when we accepted jesus),

can't come until we are with jesus.

well, that must mean that discontentment is a good thing?

a 'holy discontent'.

after every one of my periods of discontentment, came a period of overwhelming joy.

whether i choose to acknowledge that or not.

its true.

so okay then.

ease is not my goal.

perfection is not my goal.

better than that is not my goal.

my goal is god and i have no idea what that looks like but i'm trying to.

let it be.