have a soak:

i think you should read this blog:
http://www.ourrisingsound.com/

but if you choose not to, please, at least read this section of it:
"Lovers of God, remember you serve the church and it’s not about you, it’s about Jesus. Serving them doesn’t mean gaining their approval though. Serve them by glorifying Jesus by living a life that is about all of who God is. Do the things that God has gifted you to do, given you the authority to do and given you a passion to do. Push yourself creatively in your life to find new ways to tell the story of the gospel and majesty of Christ. Some people may hate your way of living, does that bother you more than compromising the conviction in your spirit? Some people may love it, does that give you more joy that the smile of the face of God? Stop fearing man more than God. Stop seeking the applause of man more than the delight of Christ."

soak & rest your brain on the statement above.
it's ridiculously easy to nod our little christian heads saying 'mm yes, so true.'
it's ridiculously hard to let this question soak into the heart of who we are:
"...does that bother you more than compromising the conviction in your spirit?"
does it?
i'm beginning to realize that i am bothered by this.
before the last month or so, i would have preferred not to be bothered by it.
('it' being the strange feelings that come when you know something is not kosher with god)
i liked to ignore them and justify the thoughts away.
but lately, the drive to push through and actually listen to the conviction in my soul has been slowly but surely growing.
i know god is working.
i know that i already have faith.
BUT
i want a faith that can move mountains.
ahhh.
and that faith has to come from becoming an outsider of this world.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED with ignoring the world.
listening to only christian music, watching pg movies, living morally, being around only other christians.
that doens't deepen faith.
that pushes people away because they feel that unless they talk with you about jesus they will have not one thing to say to you.
i am pretty sure that is the opposite of how things should be.
but that's me.

"My life constantly hangs in the balance but i won't stop obeying your instructions. Your laws are my treasure. They're my heart's delight. I am determined to keep your decrees to the very end. Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. I've promised it once but I'll promise it again: I will obey your righteous regulations." - David. Psalm 119.105-112