my life in a song:

i think that if one were to film this part of my life that i am in, the scene would have the song, Stone's Serenade by Trace Bundy as the soundtrack.  i dont know where my life is going to be in a few months. right now, today, it is going to be in portland maybe as soon as january. i dont know what that means. i dont know if im doing 'the right thing' persay. i do know im listening to god. i keep second guessing myself on that but so far theres been windows and doors opening everywhere so im going to keep walking slowly toward each one remembering to pray/dialogue with god the whole way. i seriously must be crazy to leave what i have here. the friends that've been placed in my life have surpassed best friend status because we have been living together day in and day out to the point that we are family. but even in saying this,"leaving my famliy," i have this strange peace about it all. i dont know if thats because it truly is peace or if it is because the whole idea of moving 15 hours away totally based on trust that god is moving me there and not myself just hasn't fully sunk in yet. because when i wanted to go to spain last october (wow i cannot believe that was just last october...) i got so excited so quickly and when it all came crashing down, i fell apart and i dont want to fall apart over portland if i end up not going.  the HUGE difference between spain and portland is that with spain, i was running away from everything i didnt want to or know how to deal with.  and portland, i've really had nothing to do with.  everything has been slowly picking up speed on its own accord. so ya, in truth im trying to remove myself emotionally from this in hopes that i dont get crushed just in case. well, i'm not going to leave room for just in case anymore. today is what im given so today im going to portland.  and that puts a smile on my face-not because i am getting what i want (travel and adventure) but because i am honestly trusting god. i have adventure here in long beach. god has given me contentedness and joy in the simple tasks of school, work, school, work and that is something i never thought that i would have.

and you know, god might stop the entire thing...

...now. 

or now. 
or... now.

but i can't live waiting for him to say no. i have to live prepared to be a child after god. 
i have to daily say i'm yours.  

if i don't then i turn this into a life for the benefit of my own self instead of my god.  

i need a life that reeks of god's love. 

so, portland, here i am. 

oh my.
i sent in my application last night.
i feel the same way i did when i posted my poem about pornography; 
totally, absolutely, utterly, ridiculously freaked out and shocked at myself.
which means i am supposed to do this.
oye ve...

Stones Serenade - Trace Bundy