wake up:

i want to be the person everyone knows.
i want to know that everyone knows that i am god's.
i want to say that i am joyful inside and out.
i want to have no idols in my life.
i want to boldly state that i am beautiful for god has made me just as i am.
so what's the problem?
why am i having SUCH a hard time with all of this?
all of those things are good things to want to be.
none of them are vain in essence.
in essence.
"I WANT..."
that's what ruins them.
i want to be perfect.
AND
I
SIMPLY
AM
NOT
i want to get to god.
i dont want help.
i dont want it.
that cannot work.
i cannot get to god alone.
i need god.
i know this is all common information.
of course i need god.
duh.
but getting my head to transfer that information to the very depths of my heart is where the difficulty lies.
for YEARS there has been a clamp between the route between head and heart.
that clamp is rotten and has become as such because of one main thing that spawned many other things:
lying.
i would feed myself these corrupted lies that i am worthless, ugly and disliked.
i have no idea why.
i have always been loved.
just something i did to myself.
so now, i am in my new lesson:
learning how to not be vain.
not so much in beauty but more in my spritual walk.
i want people to look at me and say "wow, she is an amazing christian" just as much as some people want them to look at them and say "wow, she is the most beautiful person i have ever seen."
i think the most beautiful thing about all of this is that god woke me up last night at church.
thanks to my mady praying into me with the power of the spirit that fills her, i realized that
i
cannot
get
to
god.
plain and simple.
i cannot get to god.
that is a really hard concept for an overachiever such as myself to grasp.
usually, i can get what i want by my own efforts.
if i want something, i am determined to get it.
so i set up lists on how to get god:
reading my bible more,
being more involved in theGarden,
taking on more leader oriented roles,
knowing more people.
so, now, i must realize that all of this
WILL NOT BRING ME CLOSER TO GOD.
i already am close to god.
now, i have the chance to learn about god.
and i can start doing that by the way i use my words.
"let my yes be yes and my no be no" - mattew 5:37
simply saying words has to change.
for example: do you know what awesome means?
awe means to have profound respect for someone or something due to an overwhelming feeling of wonder or admiration.
how often do i say that "that was awesome!" ... to a cup of coffee or a ride at disneyland?
WAY more than i should based on the definition of the word.
man, i am glad my thoughts are back. they are welcomed and i have missed them so.
let this day be one of thought and love.
selah.