what God wants when God wants it:

last week at church the message was on fasting.

-God, what do you want me to fast from?-

"Getting what you want when you want it."

comfort, ease, time, space, food, water, conversation, relationships.

You name it; I’m waiting for it.

why?

because fasting is the way God uses to create in us the endurance to live in the thin space between the physical and spiritual worlds that we have agreed to live in when we asked Jesus to be our Lord.

what God wants: to learn what it means to be patient as opposed to simply having patience. 

when God wants it: throughout my entire life not just when the situation is pleasing to me.

I’m not going to lie.
I would have rather him said 'fast from food or from music' or something like that.

but that is what he said so that is what i choose to listen to. 

--

not getting what i wanted when i wanted it was foreign to me growing up.

my youngest brother and i are 7 years apart.

that means that before he was born, i was essentially an only child.

(my older 3 siblings never lived with me and i didn't get to see them that often.)

what that translates to is this:

I got what i wanted when i wanted it from every member of my family all the time.

especially from my Nana who lived 15 minutes from me.

spoiled?

yes.

needless to say, it has taken a ton of God-work to get me to release this mode of operation of mine that I have been so keen on living in for so many years.  finally, God has pin pointed it and now the root is going to be dissolved with time and hard effort.

--

yesterday, I got together with an old friend.

we went to go visit another long time friend of ours' new baby and family.

I was praying and crying before leaving because this situation that my friend with the baby is in has been painful to live through with her. I was begging God to do something.  that the day would not be a waste.  that i would be bold and not shut off or shut him out of my day simply because it was a tough place to be for me.

"I'LL GIVE YOU THE WORDS."

oh.

how do I forget so often that I am not as big or important as I think I am?

my brain and my heart cannot have the capacity to fit God into them.

God has asked me to do the opposite.
to give him my mind. to give him my heart. to give him my soul.

I think he takes them and places them all inside of his heart. attaches some veins and capillaries. gives it a good shock from a gigantic defibrillator. viola. heart surgery complete. of course, recovery will be a beast.  you can't run away from that. but the point is, you can breathe now.

--

remember that we are breathing.

be grateful for that.

he will give us what we need.

that is why fasting is required of the people that claim Jesus as their salvation and their life.

matthew 6:16-18

"when you fast..."
to remember that he has promised to take care of us.
to remember that he is what gives us life.

because when we fast, we are forced remember that God is our strength and our support.

not money.

not food.

not water.

not relationships.

not church.

not boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.

not parents.

yes, God uses those things BUT it is because of him we are even able to use them.

trust that God is big enough to give us what we need when we need it.

that is where he is calling me to rest in and learn about in this season of my life.

selah.