praying:

1am: go into bed. prayed. stared. pondered. 3am: fell asleep. 6am: woke up to texts from 2/3 kids helpers saying they won't be able to make it today. prayed. exhausted & semi nervous to run kids without alex there. got ready. still no makeup... lent. 7am: stater bro's for celebration snacks for the kids. prayed for kids. hearts to be open. bodies to be calm. lowe's for rocks for the new reminder jar for kids. got laughed at but it's all good. 8am: cohiba to set up. prayed over kids room. outlined the morning with the one kids helper and prayed. 10am: love on, pray with and pour out into the kids. got to explain jesus' love to 2 kids. beautiful. cleaned up kids room. got sweaty. yuck. lunch with amy. great but expensive. 2pm: attempted nap that resulted with me in a poopy mood. 3pm: wanted to mope and whine and dwell in my pissy mood and do nothing but decided to read and write blogs instead...

Just because I pray and fast, doesn't mean I will be free from being human.

I know this is really simple stuff but sometimes it's so useful to write it all out.

Prayer wasn't created to get me what I want when I want it. 

If it were I'd be...

Done with college, married, with lots of kids, spreading out the love of the gospel in another country.  

Just because that desire is a good desire, doesn't mean God's will is to have it answered right now. 

I'm not ready to be there simply because I am here:

Not done with college, absolutely single, no kids whatsoever, learning about the gospel in this country.

Prayer was created to bring me closer to the God of creation's heart.

Prayer doesn't bring God's heart closer to me. 

His heart is stationary. 

It is ME who needs to learn to live by grace in His presence. 

God is not allusive.

He is definite.

He gives 3 kinds of answers:

yes's

no's

&

wait's.

I don't like the wait's but, God really likes to use them in response to His children. 

"Hold on. Let me finish, Beloved."- God.

NO! I DON'T WANT TO.

...

If my Dad told me to wait, would I throw a temper tantrum? No. HECK no. Why?

Because, if I did that to him, I know that I would be reprimanded big time. 

I needed to learn to trust that my Dad's timing was better for me than my timing.

So why in the world do I treat GOD like a bratty child would treat her parents? 

Just because I pray one thing does NOT mean God is going to answer it the way I prayed it.

God knows what I need even before I do.

Lately, I have been SO freaking frustrated with looking out at my field and only seeing dirt. 

I really don't want to see dirt anymore.

I feel like I have seen dirt in my field for months. 

I see other people's fruit and I want some of my own. 

I don't want to keep working the earth and watering the dirt.

Oh, but I will.  I will. 

A grateful heart I give, A thankful prayer I pray,
A wild dance I dance before you
A loud song I sing, A huge bell I ring,
A life of praise I live before You.

I have chosen to dedicate my life to my God.

That means waiting on Him.

Instead of praying for what I don't have, I am going to pray THANKS over the things I do have.

Instead of praying for the things I want, I am going to give PRAISE for the things He promises. 

Instead of praying to be more like so and so, I am going to pray for MORE revelation on who I AM. 

I am going stop controlling.

Letting God be the creative God he is and waiting for him to answer me in a way that is unique to me. 

SELAH.