ruined:

Woe is me, for I am ruined.

For, now, I see the Lord.

I am overcome by the depth of these words.

So much so that at 3:30 this morning, God woke me up with this song.

I tried to ignore it and go back to my precious sleep.

Clearly, God had another idea.

So these are my 3:30am thoughts.

Hopefully they are somewhat cohesive and comprehensible.

If not, at least I got to spend undivided time with my Jesus.

If I declare that I am ruined, I am saying that I am broken.

I am saying that I am broken, I am saying that I am not in CONTROL.

To truly see the Lord, He says we must be ruined.

We must die to ourselves.

Why?

To be found alive: active, functioning, operating, in Him.

Honestly, I struggle with this.

I want to be in control.  

To call the shots.  

To do what I want, when I want, how I want.

I want to do what I have been taught to do:

Consume. Conquer. Control.

Because, once I accomplish those things, then clearly I will be whole.

God has been showing me that that philosophy is crap.

This song solidified that in me. 

While singing these lyrics tonight, my self gave itself over. 

While singing these lyrics tonight, I declared that I'm done.

For I am ruined.

My kingdoms are ruined.

I have truly seen the Lord. 

Because had I not, then this entire life I am choosing to live out would be 

all

for 

nothing.

Why would I intentionally seek after a life that promises persecution, hardships, trials, mockery and even death with such yearning passion had Jesus' death been just for the heck of it? 

If it was, then indeed I am a fool.

But the Jesus I know is radical and passionate and caring.

The Jesus I know is serious when he says: 

die to this world and find life in me.

The Jesus I know loves me perfectly and therefore I know he died with intention.

He wants all of me.  All my ruined kingdoms. All. 

Ruined I am.  

And ruined I will stay.

Until my Jesus returns.

As a bridegroom comes for his bride, so will my Jesus come for his church; for me.

selah

Galatians 2:19-21 (The Message)

    What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
   Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.