Stand Still:

I'm at a standstill again with words and have added about 10 more drafts to my collection.

I don't know how to express what's going on inside of me because I don't know what's going on.

I do know that I was humbled through conviction on Monday afternoon.

My journey into Tartarus, the whole inner healing thing, turned into a way to perfect myself instead of digging deeper into Jesus' love and giving him more glory.  

I am selfish.

I am human.

I am holy. 

I am saint.

How does that work? 

This song, Ashes and Flame/John Mark McMillan, reflects the posture of my heart right now: 

You and I meet

On the shores of the broken

You’ve swallowed the ocean

And I’ve swallowed my pride

Only to see the way that I need You

Is more than I knew I ever could

Coz in between the ashes and the flames

Is a cry an awkward silence could never contain

And the falling of my hammers

And the writing of my pain

You know, it’s just not as real as the way that You’re calling my name

Well I can’t help thinking

The way that You want me and the ghost that haunts me

Are one in the same

Coz You stand at my window at night while I’m sleeping

There’s not a promise I’m keeping I could ever repay You

In between the ashes and the flame

Is a song that burns brighter than the radio waves

Bout the remnants of my idols

Bout the shadow’s of my shame

Bout how they scatter like the rain

I can’t stop crying because you won’t stop calling my name

Calling my name up from the ashes