year II:

are you kidding me?
2 years?
really?
2 years ago today, my nana died.
TWO YEARS.
would you believe it if i said that if i allow myself to sit and think about her, i can still sob for her?
i wouldn't believe myself if i heard that or saw tears streaming down my face.
the whole day is still a movie in my head:
from waking up. going to class. eating brunch at the dorms. getting the call from my mom. driving to riverside then to simi valley. seeing her looking fine. going to dinner with the fam. getting the last call saying hurry back. racing into the hospital. watching the doctor ask my dad if he wants them to revive her. hearing "DNR?". weeping. getting lost in a stupor. taking her rings off. calling jessica. going back to paula's. barely breathing.

god showed me what he means by love during this shitty time in my life.
i learned that if god were to teach us what love is by only loving us in pleasing, comforting ways, we wouldn't learn anything. instead he allows us to know the extent of his definition of love by allowing us to hurt. that seems like a jacked up approach but think about your parents. if they only always praised you and gave you loving love you wouldn't learn anything. its when they reprimand you, stick you in your room for weeks, take away your new school clothes for a year (yes my mom did that. i had 3 shirts, 2 pants and 1 pair of shoes for the whole 3rd grade school year) AND STILL love you. that is when you learn what love means. god's love is _____. i cannot find a word to go there anymore. i used to use words like amazing, perfect, crazy, great but i use those words to describe emotions and i am sick of god being my emotion. he is my constant. i need to be still and sit in that concept. in that firmness of life.

anyways, nana is dead but god is still alive.
if god were in front of me visibly, he would be my nana because nobody could listen as well as she could. she was god's ears in my life. now, i just get to talk to myself lol which is always interesting but a lot less comforting. i'm pretty stoked that i was as close as i was with my nana. i would feel even worse if i didn't miss her. so, nana, thank you for being santa's special elf and calling him at christmas with my list. thank you for letting me get fake nails in 4th grade. thank you for buying me asparragus because it was my absolute favorite even though it really wasn't. thank you for making me know you love me simply by holding me. i love you : )