the twitch cry:

last sunday i was with 3 of my friend's babies and by the end of that day, i concluded that i detest babies.
all they do is cry and i do not know how to deal with a crying child.
it freaks me out.
well last night at child care with theGarden, we had a 3 year old boy, joshua who is the sweetest thing ever and we also had a 1 year old girl, dylon.  this little girl cried for a full two hours while mom and dad were in service.  usually, i can't stand crying and immediately hand that cryer to another person. but for some unknown reason i wanted nothing more than to soothe this child.  she was crying so hard that her breathing pattern was all jacked up and she kept twitching her head like a broken wind-up toy. i held her the full two hours as she stuck her head in the curve of my neck trying to find what she was looking for but constantly realizing that i was not her mother causing her to cry harder and twitch faster.  i prayed and prayed over her.  i prayed that god would give my voice similarity to her mothers so that she would find comfort in it and relax.  i prayed that i would be filled with the spirit so that her tears would be ceased and she would just fall asleep.  thankfully, she finally fell asleep.  as i watched her asleep on the floor, her eyes were closed but her breaths were still choppy and her hand was desperately searching for something.  my guess was that it was her stuffed animal or blanky. 
i bet god feels alot like i did. 
i knew that dylon was absolutely safe in my arms but she did not want anything to do with me. 
what she wanted was her mommy.
plain and simple.
like dylon, i am absolutely safe in god even when he leaves me places i've never seen before,
he still knows exactly where i am.
even though i have been 'dropped off' time and time again by god i still don't get that he is going to come back and sign me out.
instead of playing with all the cool toys and learning new lessons, i just keep sobbing and squirming trying to get away.
and yet, the whole time, god knows i'm safe and allows the people in my community to hold tight to me and endure all of my screeching in their ears, my snot on their chest and my tears on their neck. 
even when dylon's mommy came to get her she was still freaking out.
through her tears it seemed like she was saying both,
"DAMN IT MOM! why did you do that to me?!"
and
"i love you so much. just hold me."
but her mom knew full well that dylon has to learn that she will come back.
that she will never leave her. 
she knows that dylon will only learn this through times of fear and confusion without mom by her side.
it's hard and annoying and difficult but it's needed whether we like it or not.
soon enough, dylon will understand that when mom drops me off, she will come get me.
soon enough, i will understand that when god places me in new lessons, that he will return.
because, in essense, he never leaves. the holy spirit is constantly in me. but i often forget that...
it was a cool experience being with dylon last night.
i pray that when i get myself stuck in a twitch evoking cry, i will remember that i have learned time and time again that god always comes back.
he always comes back.