radishes:

i seriously have no idea how to fall asleep right now.
i don't even want to!
and i have to be up at 6 to take ashley to the airport!
it's 3am!!!
owell, my head is spinning with awe.
so much has been learned and lived in this one day.
i feel like i've learned a weeks worth of lessons and that is a lot.
because lately,
in a single week god does a 360 with the way i love him.
last week was learning about faith.
the week before: obedience.
the week before:  humbleness.
the week before: joyfulness.
(it's not like there's a witching hour come sunday when i fully get the lesson of the week, the lessons compile one on-top of the other.  so this week, i am still learning about the past 4 plus my new one)
this day i learned about TRUST.
each freaking week god decides to give me something new to learn about.
so when i say that in one day i feel like i've had a week of lessons, it is a really big deal.
waking up this morning i decided that it was time to start to re-read shane clayborne's book,
the irresistible revolution.
i was only into it a page and a half when i felt like god said fall back asleep.  i really didn't want to because for months all i've wanted to do was to read a book without the guilt of i should be doing something else. and also, i just didn't feel the need to sleep more but i have been intentionally doing everything i think god says to me because it's a waste of time saying "ok god was this you or was this me? well i'm going to pray about it until i forget whatever you said." no no no. how will i ever know if it was god or if it was myself if i never test it!  if it was god, doors will stay open. if it was me, doors will slam shut.
i digress too much and i am sorry for that but that's the way my brain functions.
so anyways... i said ok god, i will.  so during that time of semi-fighting my desire to read / semi-enjoying laying underneath my covers, i had a pretty neat conversation with god.
i prayed that through reading this book, i would not just have the words enter my brain and leave, in turn leaving my heart untouched.  i prayed that the spirit that is alive in me would listen to the spirit that guided shane as he wrote the book.  i prayed that this would not just be another christian book with pretty christian symbols and analogies.  i had heard much about the radical nature of this book but i had no idea what it truly was about.

back-story:
when i picked it up to start reading it about 4 years ago as a junior in high school, i had no care about this concept of living radically, let alone radically for this felt-board jesus everyone talked so highly about. to live radically was to be pointed at and gossiped about.  all i cared about was living a life that people admired and said things like "she is a perfect example of a nice person with a truly caring heart"
... somebody make me puke please.  ugh that is so gross.
i can't believe i actually wanted to live a docile lifestyle.
i actually wanted to be content with normalcy; with a husband, 2 kids and a dog.
side-note: PLEASE understand that the kind of life that has those things is NOT something that god won't use.  i believe he needs healthy families that love god so much and sacrifice things for each other.  i think that is nowhere near normal or content.  but i do think that the danger of complacency easily looms around lifestyles like that and before heading in that direction, truly seek god first and let that lead you wherever the spirit has planned.

ok back to wherever i was before...

when i picked up this book then, i was a self-centered, vain, 7 different magazine subscriber,  perfect image christian hiding a porn addiction for the past 6 years psycho determined to out-win all of my christian friends in the christian race i had placed myself in my whole life.
wow... needless to say, i wanted nothing to do with shane's ideas of a life based on taking up my cross and actually dedicating my life to this jesus character.  so, i put the book down.
today, i pray that i can say with boldness, that i am clearly nothing like i was 4 years ago.  i am confident in christ that i am humbly selfless, that i know i am beautiful without the vain conceit attached, that i do not subscribe to the worlds campaign for perfection, that i KNOW in the depths of my soul that i am nothing and that i am jacked up yet still am loved, that i have not looked at a single dirty site in a year and a half AND that i am intentionally seeking last place in this crazy world.
in a short 4 years, god has grabbed hold of my heart and said, "THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK.  you need to let me in.  i will never stop asking you AND i will never barge in without your consent. it is your choice."  well, whether i intentionally chose to let god in or if i did to test as a joke to test jesus' motives, i have no clue.  but i do know that god began a transformation then that is just now coming to fruition.  within the past 6 months of living in long beach, god has tied many of the pieces together.  i needed to go through the complacent christianity so that i would know how to find authenticity.  i needed to taint my eyes for so many years so that i would know what true unmerited love and beauty was.  i needed to hate myself so i would know how beautiful god thinks i am.  TRUE, i wouldn't have minded if these things did not cross my path but there is purpose to them. i know this because i know of the greatness felt when two people can share the words, "me too" and know that both of their struggles through christ are speaking directly into the other person, another brother or sister in christ, into their lives. it is a beautiful thing indeed and in no way is it understandable.
reading about 30 pages of irresistible revolution today rocked my life. god placed this book back in my life in a beautiful time.  the time i am in in my life right now is one of change, of growth, of learning, of trials, of testing, of downsizing, of realizing.  and it is so beautiful.  all of these thoughts are just some of the MANY running in my brain.  getting it out is most likely really confusing to whoever is reading this but owell. if you want more clarity, let's get coffee. seriously.
all i really care about is this:
i pray that god wakes whoever you are up just as he is waking me up.  this christmas season, the anticipation of jesus fulfilling 42 generations of prophesy is making me so excited! i am resting in this holy anticipation and it is marvelous.  it's like i'm the one getting ready to have birth.  for the first time ever, christmas makes sense.  jesus was born. 3 really simple words that have been dormant for my entire life are now laced with vibrant life:
JESUS
WAS
BORN
please.
say it again:
jesus was born.
selah...
a divine pause.
jesus was born.
jesus did live.
jesus did die.
jesus did arise
jesus will come back.

love the god who loved you, is loving you and will always love you.



oh and this is the reason why i titled this blog 'radishes':
the word radical comes from the greek word for 'root' - radix
radical means to go back to the root of things.
a radish is a root. nothing else. and yet we still eat it.
radical radishes.
seek the root of the truth that jesus declares.
he'll show you love.
he will.
have faith.