melancholy:

i have so many thoughts racing through my head that it seems as if i am silent. 

i honestly don't know what i am thinking about even!

that's not true, i do know.
i know that god wants me to speak to carl.

for those of you who don't know, carl is my boss.

he is a very trying man and i have a very hard time loving him as christ loves me.

a

very

hard

time.

a while back, god spoke these words to me:

"before you leave, i want carl to know i love him."

it is now december 7th and i still have said nothing to him.

i have to give some background information as to why this is so hard for me to do, so bear with me if you want:

flashback:

5 summers ago at theOverflow summer camp, god gave me a vision of a clam with a shiny white pearl in it with the name jessica drumming out my thoughts. jessica was my best friend since 4th grade.  we had lived a lot of life together but when she moved to ventura and i to riverside our lives became drastically different.  mine became super power bible christian and hers became lost in the world.  (both were extremely detrimental.  i am in no way saying that my life was better than her life. i am merely stating the facts.)  what god wanted me to do with that vision was to remind jessica that he loved her very much, that she was as beautiful as a refined pearl.  what i, sara, wanted to do with that vision was to unleash the past 3 years of judgement on her.  when i got back home from camp, i did the latter.  i shoved god at her instead of stepping aside and allowing god to come towards her gently, without demand or requirement. after that conversation, nothing was the same.  i thought i was all high and mighty.  that god was pleased with how well i handled things.  that i was a great christian.  jessica thought that i was a jerk.  obviously, none of what i thought had happened. we slowly stopped talking until a year later when we had a huge blowout.  at that point there was no more friendship.  she told me to get out of her life forever and i gladly bowed out.  

flash-forward:

sophomore year of college, i was at the sharkclub, a shoot off of Rock Harbor, one sunday night when god called me out.  he said that i need to apologize to jessica.  my response was pretty close to this: "hell no, are you kidding me? do you remember what she said to me last? she wanted me to get out of her effing life.  no, god. that is not going to happen. if anything, i deserve the apology." the week that followed was really tough because god kept calling me out! over and over and over again. i HATE being called out because i think that i am always right. the next sunday god did it again. "tell jessica that you are sorry. tell her that i love her." the pastor said to stand for anyone who needs prayer.  again, hard for me to do because asking for prayer is asking for help and i HATE needing help because that means i am not as strong as i think i am therefore further proving that i am not always right.  so, i stood. i bawled. i released. the next week, i wrote jessica a letter. we made amends and moved on.  now it is 2009 and this summer, we hung out for the weekend together. never in a million years would i have ever thought that jessica and i would hang out again. 

ok, the WHOLE reason i am giving any of this back story is because god gives me words like this often.  

he started with jessica and since then i have continually gotten words of god to pray over or speak into people. 

both those i know and those i've never met.  

BUT and this is a huge but, i never ever do anything with it because i am FEARFUL.  

i am so scared that i will get in the way again and screw everything up.  

jessica was my sister and i fed her to the wolves at the first test of true friendship.  

i loved her more than any other person and because i did what god said to do, she hated me and she hated god.  

that's the catch though.

I DIDN'T DO WHAT GOD WANTED ME TO DO. 

i did what I wanted to do!  

i wanted to give her a piece of my mind and show her how great of a christian i was.  

i wanted her to say: "sara, you are always right thank you for saving me."

i wanted the glory.

all these years i have been scared out of my mind to open my mouth because i have been confused.

i thought that doing what god wants me to do means to make people mad and break friendships up.

false.

doing what i want to do and tagging it with god's name is what makes people mad and breaks friendships up.

so i am so scared to tell carl that jesus loves him.

i am scared because i have believed for many years that i suck and that i can't do what god wants me to do because i am not good enough yet. 

well dang it i will never be good enough but i will be and have always been just what god needs. 

god needs someone with a heart.

with air in their lungs.

with a mouth.

well, last i checked i've got those all those things. 

i constantly seek approval from outward sources.

i stopped in the middle of writing this to go on facebook and emma pidgeon wrote this verse in her blog:

"A PERSON WITH A CHANGED HEART SEEKS PRAISE FROM GOD, NOT FROM PEOPLE.' - ROMANS 2:29

coincidence? 

no.

nothing that god orchestrates is a coincidence and since he orchestrates everything, nothing is a coincidence.

there are so many things that this jessica story ties into. 

my inability to ask for help.

my fear of talking about god. 

my strong pride in myself. 

my block on god. 

well, needless to say, god is using my fear of talking to people. 

there has been numerous prayers said over me by people who know nothing about me that god will be using my words for his kingdom.  that my words will be as powerful as swords because they have no remnants of sara on them but instead are laced with the power of the Lord.  that scares the shit out of me.  there is no less blunt way to say that. opening my mouth for the furtherance of god's kingdom freaks me out because i am all about pleasing people and god is not.  god is about getting people to change their lives.  he calls us to live a life worth following, a life worth retelling.  i will not continue this life as a series of ups and downs but instead i will let go of my life and say to god each moment of my day that i am dead to myself please make it be so and that i am alive in you and only you.  it is a swift act of the devil to take me out of that posture.  he does not want me to open my mouth and he strategically placed the whole jessica story in my life to limit me.  well, devil. go away. i have full authority in christ to say that because i have called the holy spirit into my heart, my soul, my mind and he will and is fighting for me. wow... long? yes. needed? yes. read by many? mm, probably not & that is ok : )