Surrendering:

Marc James - Surrender
I'm giving you my heart
and all the is within
I'm laying it all down
For the sake of you my king
I'm giving you my dreams
I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life
I surrender all to you
I'm singing you this song
Waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear
I count it all as lost
For the sake of knowing you
The glory of your name
To know the lasting joy
In sharing in your pain
I surrender all to you


this blog is going to have two parts because there are two different parts of this song that stick out to me right now in my life.


part 1:
the part about giving jesus my dreams 
it is hard to say that my dreams are not as important as the path jesus has for me because i am a stubborn selfish human being.  but that is just it.  i am a human being.  i am not supposed to be perfect.  i am not supposed to have it all together.  i am not supposed to. if i had my dreams in my hands these are what they'd look like: a big white wedding, lots of children soon, a degree with a title, money to travel everywhere, a successful business, tons of music, an eclectic house, basically everything to point to me and my amazingness.  THANKFULLY these dreams of mine are being remolded by god.  they have reigned my life for far too long.  i think this prideful way of thinking started for selfish reasons because i wanted to go against the grain and be eclectic and odd but in a good way.  but now, the reasons behind my desire to be remolded is because i want my life to be in god's will.  that is it.  if it were out of his will i wouldn't be able to function because everything of mine is not mine anymore but god's. i want my feet to be so fluid that when god says 'go here' i will leap.  i want my hands to be so flexible that when god says 'serve here' i will lift my hands high in praise.  i want my heart to be so full that when god says 'love this person' i wouldn't be able to contain my love for them.  i want my mouth to be so pliable that when god says 'speak to them' i will first say lord let this be your utterances and do so. those are my dreams now. amen. 


part 2:
the part that says everything the world holds dear, simply because i love him, becomes meaningless. 
i used to have subscriptions to 7 different magazines.  seven. for 5 years. i used to know every single brand name.  going into south coast plaza this past week reminded me of how vain i once was.  prada. tiffany's. gucci. louis vuitton. blah blah blah.  it seriously made me sick. i used to want them all so bad that it hurt. i used to have every kind of makeup possible because it was impossible to be beautiful without it on. i used to buy into the worlds definition of beauty.  i used to KNOW that i was ugly and that there was no two-ways about it. i was so dead in my head that i couldn't even let myself be liked because i would run through a list of things i was inadequate in: size-too big, personality-too boring, intelligence-too dumb, beauty-too ugly.  i never even knew i was corrupting myself until about a month ago.  the world held me for far too long telling me what the 'real' definition of beauty was.  saying that things like this don't plague me anymore would be a lie.  it is a constant prayer of safety when thoughts like these come into my head.  i have my god fighting for me.  he knows me. in that, i am alive.

Matthew 6:19-20 (NKJV)

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.