food?:

Since my fast, food has been my enemy.  ALL I want to eat is junk and junk is most of what I've eaten.  EVERYTHING good that occurred in my body has been ruined.  I have concluded that I did my fast wrong.  I didn't rely on God as my strength but instead relied on juices.  The first few days of my fast, when I needed him constantly, I wanted to be alone and read my Bible more than anything but after I got into the swing of things and the juices satiated everything, that initial yearning desire went away and was replaced by other things like friends and movies and sleep and myself.
I completely ignored God during my fast which was supposed to draw me closer to him and he STILL gave me the peace I yearned for after months of constant emotional, physical and spiritual chaos, the guidance I asked for about Portland and the revelations I needed about what I am doing in life.  
I bolded that because I screamed it in my head as I wrote it...
For 21 days of fasting I was in a deep peace and I took it for granted.  And now? Now I am mad at God for loving me when I am so undeserving of his love.  I am angry that he still wants me.  I don't want him to comfort me because I am mad at myself for ditching him AGAIN.  I'd rather him just go away and let me believe that I am not worthy of his love.  But that's the point.  I am NOT worthy of his love and yet he STILL EFFING LOVES ME PERFECTLY.  Why is this so hard for me to accept?  I think this is all backed up inside of me because for the past month I have not had devoted God time.  In March and April, which were major growth months for me, almost every single week looked like this:
Sunday / church
Monday / coffee with Alex
Tuesday / Lifegroups
Wednesday / Shine
Thursday / Discipleship with Sarah
Friday / Prayer Night at Lizs' house &/or Relationship meetings at Amy & Brian's house
Saturday / Sabbath
Every night I spent a significant amount of time with Jesus.
Every night he spoke softly to me.
Every night our relationship deepened.
Then, in May, that all went slowly stopped except for Lifegroups and therefore my life has stopped growing spiritually.  And I am asking why it is hard for me to accept God's love... I need to breathe again.  I need to slow down and be with God even if I don't want him to look at me or touch me.  And I need to quit this office job.

The good news is this:  my healthy desires are returning... slowly.  In 2 weeks, my body crashed 4 times via my poor food choices.  I overate the wrong things and my body felt like every single microscopic cell was exploding in pain.  I don't know how to explain it entirely but it SUCKED.  The last cell explosion, I had had enough.  When I woke up the next morning, I researched healthy eating regiments and have since then began my journey into the 'dairy-free-raw-food-vegan-with-a-bit-of-meat-and-pasta' world.  It has been great and my desire for health and for God is returning.  I am still having a tough time so please pray for me.  That's enough for today.